Saturday, 6 June 2015

21 years went by in a flash

So.....Beautiful B's 21st was yesterday but we have had 2 days of celebration and today is the first chance to post before we have another day of celebrations on Monday. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, initially I did not know what to feel. It was only 2 months after I finished contraception to try for a baby and I hadn't expected it to be so know, being 20 and na├»ve.  That soon changed though when I thought about how much love I was going to shower her with. And yes, I said boy because I only ever wanted a girl and if she had been born a boy I may have asked them to put her back. 

Beautiful B was incredibly easy to carry, at least until the heartburn started with a vengeance. I can thank Beautiful B for teaching me how to sleep sitting up as a result of the heartburn.  Thanks to worry that she may have a blockage in her oesophagus I was scanned monthly up to 32 weeks pregnant and had some lovely scan photos as a result. 

30 hours of pain and I had a baby girl, who clearly wondered what all the fuss was about and I was lucky enough to share the moment with her dad and my mum.  She defied so many expectations, needing baby rice at 4 weeks because she wasn't big enough for all the milk she needed, to being in 18month old clothes until she was 3 1/2 years old. 

Since then she has been so incredibly strong. Yes, she's had moments where I wondered if I could put up with another tantrum and she was more stubborn that me and her dad put together but we loved her for her independence and we couldn't have the best of both worlds. 

Like all of us Beautiful B has had her struggles but thanks to the help of some incredibly talented people she learned to cope with her feelings and to verbalise them in a grown up and adult way and she was able to see both sides of a discussion, something few people her age could. 

It helped her to deal with the loss of her father and 3 year old sister at the young age of 17, well as best she could and though she still struggles with missing them she can verbalise it and get the support she needs.  I felt guilty for not being able to help her through it better at the time but looking back I know I did all I can and Beautiful B would tell me she couldn't have gone through it without me. 

Beautiful B has had a lovely boyfriend for over 3 years who was amazingly supportive through the grieving process and he continues to support her in so many things. Secretly I hope they get married just not for a good few years and babies even later because hello I'm grey enough as it is! 

It hard to look at Beautiful B and know what she has gone through to make her who she is today and while I wish she hadn't had to go through all those things they have helped to shape her into an incredible young woman. Like all of us at her age, she doesn't know what career she wants to do for the rest of her life but whatever she eventually settles on I know that she will enrich it with her empathy, compassion, and love.

Beautiful B's ability to smile at the worst of times, and on those bad days gives others a reason to do the same; she is an example for us all to follow.  Yes, she has her bad days and like me she constantly doubts herself and her abilities and I wish I had a magic mirror that I could hold up to her so she could see what others see in her.  It's a pity that, for us women, that sort of confidence comes with age and so she is a few years off yet.  In the meantime, it's my role to remind her often.  

I look at Beautiful B and struggle to see how 21 years has gone by. It doesn't seem like 18 years ago she was toddling around with bright blonde pigtails and posing for photos with one hand behind her head, striking a model pose.  Or 18 years ago that she had us in stitches at Busch Gardens in Florida playing in the water fountains.  Or 16 years ago that her first ever uniform was the smallest size but still far too big for her and Nanny had to take in a tiny little school skirt so that it would fit. Or 5 years ago that she took our breath away in her school prom dress. 

I hope that I did what I set out to do and tell her often that I love her so much so that the times I did discipline her she still knew I worshipped her. In fact, I know she did because she tells me often that she knew and knows I love her so much and has thanked me for being strict with her, to have taught her respect and manners.  

I smile now, to see her in her own home, keeping it clean and although the constant reminding to be tidy and clean up after herself drove me mad when she lived her obviously was worthwhile. 

This last week we have both been on annual leave and have had the chance to spend time together on days out, stay home and watch films and laugh. One of the best things about Beautiful B having her own home is that there is no discipline now, just the laughter side of the relationship, the best parts; those that the relationship building over 21 years has achieved. 

Hubby and I cannot express just how much love and pride we feel for Beautiful B, for everything she has worked hard to achieve and for how incredibly strong she is to get through what she has. Somehow, Hubby, me and my mum and dad have managed to instill some wonderful values in her and I feel such love and pride every time someone tells me how lovely my daughter is. 

One day, she will make an amazing wife and mother. Just as much as she is a wonderful daughter. Never do I doubt her love for me because, just as I tell her often she also tells me how much she loves me. 

I know that I have struggled to articulate my love for her on this post but I do know that it is endless and will continue to grow. I used to think that I needed and wanted a successful career but you know what I worked out a couple of years ago?  That Beautiful B was my career, that my biggest goal in life was to fetch her up, her knowing that I loved her, to teach her to show love herself, for her to be a productive member of society and to forever strive to help her to become who she wants to be.  That became what is important to me.  No, it won't make me rich in monetary value and it doesn't pay the bills.  I do worry that she is a worrier and I blame myself for that and yet that is something we can work on together because becoming successful in that is better than any promotion I could get at work. 

My legacy will be Beautiful B and do you know what, if she didn't grow emotionally any more than she is at this exact moment in time I have achieved that legacy and I'm very very proud of that because she is beautiful, caring, loving, sweet, empathetic, gorgeous, respectful, giving, hard-working, and a proud young woman and has so much to give to society. While she may currently be questioning whether she wants to be a nurse all her life I know that whatever she decides on it will be something where she can give back to those who need help.  
So, to my Beautiful B, you are my world, always will be and you are my legacy.  Nothing else I ever achieve in my life will be better than what I have achieved with you. You are the best daughter I could ever wish for.  

With all my love and heart, until all the stars fall out of the sky. Xxxxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ xxxxx